Extending protocols
Most churches now have in place protocols for clergy. A good many also have in place protocols for lay workers such as youth group leaders and Sunday School teachers. But I dare to suggest that few, if any, have protocols for door stewards (those volunteers who greet you at the door and sometimes make a point of talking to you after the service). Yet these people are at the coalface of contact between church and public, and frequently expect – or are expected – to shake hands or some other similar social gesture of physical contact. Door stewards typically greet people with a handshake. Sometimes they also give a kiss if they know the person. Sensitivity in when and how and to whom to offer those things is important.
And this thought came up some time back because one church I know of did decide their door stewards should have guidelines. Hopefully more churches will see the benefit in this, and I hope that this blog entry may provide a starting point.
Part of the difficulty is that to be a welcomer necessarily means making the first move, whether that be holding out one’s hand for a handshake or whatever. So how does one make the first move without risking overstepping the recipient’s boundary? One could begin with the presumption that any contact is on invitation only, but how does one invite without making the invitee feel like they have no option? For hugs, etc, it’s fine – a simple “would you like a hug?” should suffice. For the initial handshake it’s not so easy.
Naturally when I walk into a church I’m very guarded of my physical boundaries, but that’s exactly what protocols are designed to address – the fact that not everyone is comfortable with an assumed level of physical contact. While I wouldn’t complain at being offered a handshake because I know it’s a usual, almost automatic, thing, I do mostly refuse. My standard response is “I’m sorry, but I don’t shake hands in church”. That’s an inordinately difficult thing to say, because of the fact that many people infer rudeness from the refusal to do something that is generally considered a social nicety. So I’d suspect there are some “silent objectors” – people who are uncomfortable, but feel less sense of justification for taking the stand.
Situations that might need guidelines, and suggested actions:
a) Taking a person’s arm and leading them to a pew. Some older people see this as chivalry, or appropriate for the feeble.
– A simple “would you like some help to be seated?”
b) Stewards greeting people with a hug.
– An absolute no-no unless there is sufficient personal relationship between hugger and huggee to justify it – and even then I’d be wary about door stewards doing it, because it emphasises the difference between “those who belong” and those who are just visiting. Welcomers should not act in such a way as to make visitors feel excluded.
c) Touchy-feely people. Hands on the back and arm, etc.
– Again an absolute no-no unless specifically invited. Not only because touchy-feely people are being disrespectful of others’ boundaries, but because many abusers disguise their initial/public approaches as touchy-feely. There are countless instances of proven abusers where people in the social network involved said “I knew he was a touchy-feely sort of person, but I thought that’s as far as it went”.
If I had to turn all that into set rules for door stewards (when on the job, of course), it would go something like this:
1. You may offer a handshake, although if the other person refuses you must respect that.
2. If you think a hug or a kiss may be appropriate, you must ask first: “is it ok to give you a hug?” with each and every person, each and every time.
3. If a hug, a kiss or any other form of physical contact is offered and accepted, any member of the congregation who sees it has a right to (or maybe even is obliged to) mention it to a member of parish council, who may (should?) then follow it up with the huggee to check the contact was approved by them.
4. Any relationship between a door steward and another that is acknowledged by the parties to be close enough for regular hugs should be made known to the council and the names recorded.
5. A sign in the church foyer that says “In this church we respect your physical boundaries. If someone offers you a form of physical contact, you have the right to say no” would encourage people to hold others accountable. It may also add “if someone gives you physical contact without asking first, we welcome your complaint”.
6. If a parishioner would always like assistance to get to their seat, they can make that known to the door stewards, with the proviso that they have the right to specify any individual from whom they do not want such help.
A couple of extra things: as you can imagine, refusing handshakes gets much more difficult when passing the peace is routinely accompanied by a handshake. If that’s so in your parish, it should be considered along with all this. Also, this may all sound very “strict rules and regulations” kind of stuff, but I think it will take a time of strict rules to make people realise that traditional patterns a) didn’t respect others’ boundaries, and b) facilitate situations where abuse can be disguised as “social friendliness”.
In any warm congregation there is the danger that the warmth will be abused. And sometimes what seems appropriate at one time can feel not right at another time. I think probably the bottom line is that of openness and accountability. That is, all physical contact is open (publicly declared) and accountable (can be called into question by anyone).