Musing on grooming
I recently heard of an instance of adult abuse (not clergy related), which was particularly interesting to me because of the grooming dynamic that occurred. A woman in her early thirties was invited to a threesome by a colleague and his wife. She declined, not being in the least interested. Next thing was, she’d changed jobs, but the ex-colleague found out (not from her) what hours she was working and when she would be arriving home. He met her as she got off the train, walked her home, invited himself in for a drink and then urged her to draw him naked. She ended up with pencil and sketchbook in her hand, having not known at what point to stop this process (or more specifically, not knowing how to do it without being rude).
And this is the essence of the grooming technique – that the stages of boundary invasion come in small enough steps that the rudeness required to repel them seems extreme for the level of offence, yet by the time one is beyond all point of going along with it, one feels complicit for not having called a halt at an earlier stage. And all our upbringing and training is geared to politeness and avoidance of being rude, which effectively constrains us from acting self-protectively in such circumstances.
In this instance, the woman probably had the following options along the way (all of them rude to some degree):
1) when she saw the guy at the station, and he began to walk her home, to say “I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to walk with me.” And if he persisted, to walk to the police station instead and (assuming he followed) to accuse him of harrassing her.
2) When she got to her front door, and he invited himself in, to say “I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to come in.” And if he persisted, to say “look, I really don’t like you, and you’re not welcome here.”
3) When he suggested drawing him naked, to tell him to leave the house. And if he refused, to insist, with the threat of calling the police if he didn’t go.
4) And if he continued to the point of undressing himself (which, if she did the previous options, is fairly unlikely), the best option, in my opinion, would be to go to the fridge, get a glass of nice cold water, and throw it on him! 
One further option, the threat of which could be used at any stage, but the actuality most certainly should be used afterwards, is to tell his wife. Naturally, though, if one has been drawn in by the grooming process, the feeling of complicity makes that an extremely difficult option. Groomers count on that, of course. And in this case, it is further complicated by his wife having been party to the original threesome suggestion. All the same, it seems quite likely that she wouldn’t approve of him acting independently, and probably didn’t know he did it. And the only way, when it’s a past event, to break the secrecy of complicity (and make it obvious that you didn’t want it or ask for it) is to tell.
But the point of this musing is that there is no way to repel grooming approaches without being ruder than seems warranted by the circumstances. So the training we give our children MUST include teaching that when the need arises to act self-protectively, rudeness is not only ok, it’s mandatory.
.
Note: For more info on grooming and what we should teach our children, check out the “dynamics of abuse” and “protecting children” sections of my website.